Let no one who loves be called unhappy. Even love unreturned has its rainbow.
~ James Matthew Barrie
Rainbows are beautiful aren’t they? But quite the treacherous one of nature’s many beauties. Here now, and gone the next moment. It’s almost impossible to catch a perfect rainbow through the eyes of a camera, no matter how digitalized one may be. But the rainbows that reside within us are permanent, beautiful and most importantly – ours.
Reading Bano Qudsia, I came across the concept of social madness. What caused it? What caused a person to become a senseless, raving lunatic? What drove a life to its end? What caused an alive, pumping, surging heart to desire an end to its rhythm? Why do people commit suicide? The answer took me aback for a moment – unrequited love. Did it really? Did unrequited love really drive an intellectual, rational, alive individual to start moving in the opposite direction? Weren’t this Freudian and Anti-Freudian at the same time? Unrequited love sounds so primal, so basic. So vulgarly passionate. No?
People certainly wish to be known as calm, collected, in-control individuals. People want to be dependable, reliable, stable. Solid mountains in the face of storms. Nobody wants to be known as the passionate, crying, begging, besotted fool. Men want to be macho. Women want to be feministas. People want social, economic, racial, cultural and gender identity. They want to belong. Right?
That’s right. But then I’ve always been one of those radicals who believe in challenging everything if for nothing else, than for the thrill of the debate. I mean, I know you are right, but let’s suppose for the sake of argument, that you’re wrong! Let me prove it to you! Awesome feeling! So I don’t want to belong. I’m not particularly bothered about public opinion. I don’t care about social-racial-cultural-gender identity. I just want to be me.
And a big part of being me is being alive. Being passionate. Being a crying, begging, besotted idiot. And I love this part of my being. I love the fact that I am a hot blooded fool. I cherish the feeling of elation and obsession. I am most alive when I’m in love. It makes me realize I exist. It tells me that in every pore of my existence there is life that is attracted to life. I feel the energy in my core. I love the redness of the warm blood running in my body. I can feel the texture of the air that travels through to my lungs. The water I swallow travels a path of nerve endings that kick and giggle when each molecule of water teases them. In that moment of pure, raw power I don’t need anything, anyone. I am enough for me. I don’t care whether my passion, affection, desire is able to find a home. I am not concerned about its viscosity. I am not interested in ensuring that someone hears, feels, absorbs and returns my feeling. There is a rainbow within me that is beautiful and perfect and it is mine! It belongs to me. I don’t want any requital.
Unrequited love doesn’t drive men and women to madness. The fear of dying without having loved does. Thank you God, for making me as weird as I am!
I hold it true, whate’er befall;
I feel it, when I sorrow most;
‘Tis better to have loved and lost
Than never to have loved at all.
~ Alfred Lord Tennyson