In love with talk shows? Can miss those for world? Love the heating sessions and furious debates? Ever wish to be a part of those?
Not sure you have what it takes to shine in front of the flashing camera lights?
Here are a few must-haves to be a successful talk show participant:
1. Drum for a Throat: You should be able to shout over anyone and everyone. Don’t spare the other participants of the talk show and even the host himself.
2.Make No Sense: What you talk about should not make sense to anyone other than yourself. It shouldn’t matter to you if the other participants, the host of the show and the viewing public are left confounded by your claims and rants. Just have faith in yourself, your party and your leader and keep on talking mindlessly.
Beware! If what you say starts making sense to others, then you are losing the ‘it’. You might then find that you are no longer regularly getting invited to talk shows.
3. Your Party is the Best: Your party and especially its leaders are the best thing that ever happened to this country. Don’t ever forget that and don’t ever let anyone else forget it too. Repeat it again and again on each and every talk show that you are invited to.
4. Sling Mud on the Rivals: Try to say something personal and juicy about your rivals. Sleaze always goes down well with the public. The sleazier, the better. It doesn’t matter if it’s true or not – hell, you could have just invented it at the moment – what matters is that you are becoming endearing to the viewers and especially to the talk show host who gleefully promotes your sleaze as a new expose. Character assassination works wonder! That’s the name of the game.
5. Say ‘No comments on embarrassing questions’: Consider yourself fortunate if you are attending a talk show through an Internet link and are not physically present in the studio. This gives you the chance of not answering embarrassing questions about yourself and your party. You could always wriggle out of it by pretending there is some error in the communication link and that you didn’t hear the questions. Keep on doing this repeatedly till the host gets exasperated and changes his questions.
6. Call the Host Biased: If you feel the talk show is not going as you had wanted it to and you are unable to defend yourself, then accuse the talk show host of being prejudiced and racist. Play the victim card. This usually works by putting the talk show host on the defensive and takes the heat off you.
7. Honesty Amnesia: You should not let trivial and insignificant things like honesty, integrity, politeness, manners, etiquettes, authenticity of your statements, etc. come in the way of your arguments. These would weaken you. Let the naïve and foolish participants adhere to them. You steer clear of them.
8. Shield against Attacks: Defend your party and your leader as much as possible. It doesn’t matter if your party has been mired down in embarrassing scandals and your ruler is considered one of the most corrupt and incompetent people in the country. Your duty as a member of your party and a subject of His Highness Your ruler is to defend them both as much as possible.
Note: You should outdo yourself in defending your party and your leader. Remember, you don’t have to be factually correct at times like these. Don’t shy away from making ridiculous claims like the one that your leader is in every way better than the founding father of Pakistan, Quaid-e-Azam Muhammad Ali Jinnah and that his vision is even superior to that of Allama Iqbal. The public will love you for that and your invitation to the talk shows for the whole of the next week would be confirmed.
9. Party- advertising: Promote the policies of your party and its ruler as the best thing that has ever happened to Pakistan. It doesn’t matter if your party policies has brought misery to millions of Pakistanis and have left them without the basic necessities of life. Just remember that it’s these policies that have allowed you to stash billions in Swiss banks. Just think of that and promote new party policies and rave about the wisdom of your ruler.
10. Talk Humanity and Laavve: You should consider it your supreme duty to talk about the children, siblings and other family members of your ruler on each and every talk show that you are invited to. Try to develop an air of reverence while talking about them. Speak passionately and convincingly as to how the fresh-out-of-college son or brother of your leader is divinely inspired and has great plans for the upliftment of this country and its people – plans that would put Gandhi, Churchill, Lincoln and a host of other leaders to shame.
11.Claim sainthood: Try to give a religious twist to the sayings of your ruler. Talk of him as you would of a saint. Show your deepest respect for him and force, threaten, cajole and beg the others to do the same. Pakistanis are obsessed by religion and religious figures. Play to that weakness and reinvent your ruler as the next religious leader of this great nation.
Claim that salvation is only possible for those who become true followers of your ruler. Everyone else would rot in the deepest rungs of hell. For good measure, state that anyone found saying anything negative about your ruler should be tried under the blasphemous laws of the country. That ought to be enough for most of the people to start holding your ruler in high esteem and reverence.
12. Slapping clicks Harder: Get physical at least once a week on any one of the talk shows that you are invited to. There is no better way to get unlimited invitations to talk shows than slapping or shoving someone. Throwing your glass at them, with or without water, is a good warm-up exercise that you could begin a talk show with.
13. Save last minutes for shouts: Remember, the last five minutes of the talk show should be spent trying to shout continuously at the top of your voice. Not only does this leave a good impression on the public, it also allows you to drown out the voice of reason of other participants (in the rare case that they have one) and the summing up of the talk show host (which might be in contradiction to your views).
P.S. Dear Talk-Show-Participant, the quest to become the best talk show participant is an endless one. Keeping this in mind, we will keep on updating ways on how you can continue to be at the top of your game. Keep on checking regularly in the space here and rest assured you would always find useful tips for being the best in your field.